Where are you lying to yourself?

The easiest person you can lie to is yourself! It is extremely easy to live in denial, telling yourself things that are not completely true.

Think about it. When you lie to yourself, no one calls you out, and no one can. Perhaps that’s why psychology and religion encourages us to think objectively and humbly and not as if we are better than we are. Additionally, when we operate from courage, neutrality and peace we are operating at a higher vibrancy than pride or negative emotions.

However, humans tend to overlook their flaws and are driven by self-preservation, which often hinders progress instead of promoting it.

Check in with yourself. Where could you be lying to yourself?

When you lie to yourself, you are hurting yourself. Where are you telling yourself something that is not entirely true? Where are you allowing logic motivated by childhood trauma and fear-filled core beliefs to hinder and limit your potential?

Is it by believing that you can’t do something or that you are better than you are? Are you denying how you truly feel about something because you’re afraid to get hurt? Are you telling yourself you are taking the steps toward your goals when, in reality, you’re not?

Where are you lying to yourself?

If nothing comes to mind, ask yourself where you are cutting corners and not keeping yourself accountable. Where are you looking for shortcuts? When you’re looking for a shortcut or the fastest way to do something, it can be because you’re lying to yourself about something.

Recently I discovered where I had been deceiving myself, and the results have been astounding. I am going to share four insights – two personal and two professional and leave you with an action plan of next steps you can take. I hope these examples help you identify where you are lying to yourself! Please comment mindset if it does.

#1. I really do love him.

Yep, that’s right. I really love my fiancé. You might be thinking, “Well, Liz, I hope so.” But let me explain. I had a childhood filled with death and abuse. Therefore, I learned to keep people at arm’s length, which meant my emotions too. I had a core belief that screamed: I AM GOING TO LEAVE YOU BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME (this is the fear of abandonment mindset btw)– accompanied by automatic thoughts that say – don’t get too close – preserve yourself.

Sure, I loved him, and I wanted to be with him…some of the time…

I wouldn’t allow myself to acknowledge my true feelings and see the writing on the wall because I was focused on self-protection and not learning how to become one person with him. To be honest, my fear of commitment also blocked this and I discovered the motivation to this fear of commitment was shame. You see as a child I was not given much attention but treated like an after thought therefore I only knew how to make the people in my life an after thought – you can only give what you have been given or know how to give. Since I had never been shown full attention as as child I didn’t know how to give another person my full attention – if that makes sense.

The result of these limiting beliefs led me to lie to myself about how much I loved him and how much I wanted to be with him. My focus, especially in lover quarrels, was on not wanting to get hurt and on self-preservation, as oppose to leaning in and being vulnerable, which is necessary in fights.

Then, one day, in a fight that almost called off our wedding, I realized that I could either sit at home sad and miserable that I lost a man I care for, or I could admit that I have powerful feelings for him and he does for me. I could apologize for my pride and where my baggage was hindering us. And then I could do everything I could to heal this breach in our relationship. NO relationship is easy and nothing worth having comes easy either.

I remember sitting on the couch that week unsure if we would make it, thinking — Why am I doing this? Why am I being prideful and pushing him away? Why am I being a spoiled brat? Then it hit me. I was in denial about how much I loved him.

One thing I had to do was own and acknowledge my feelings. I had to stop lying to myself. You see, I would tell myself lies and project my past relationship experiences onto him, which is just not fair.

I was denying how he made me feel. This man is my dream man, and deep down, I knew it. But I wasn’t allowing myself to see it. I have no idea how I got so lucky to have a man like him. I started to think more about it objectively. For instance, if I’m in a crappy mood or if I’m exhausted and I see him – let’s say I am driving to his house and he’s outside with his pup – I am going to smile instantly, but it’s going to be a beaming smile. A reaction no one has ever created inside of me. I started to examine myself objectively, looking at the truth of the situation with an open mind instead of trying to protect myself through denial.

I realized in fights, I would tell myself you don’t need him. You’re fine. Just move on. Then I would sit on the couch, sad, thinking about him. I would tell myself I wanted to live alone because I was fiercely independent from moving out at 16. Yet, every time I left him, I would think about how great life would be living with him. I was nervous about taking the leap, as building an empire has always been my goal. However, when I am with him, I realize that family and being with him matter more than an empire. I’ll be honest; I wasn’t expecting to have feelings for someone like I have for him, and this detour in my life led me not to see the truth.

I was nervous about living with him because my ex-husband and brother – the two men I have ever lived with in my life – were horrific experiences. I was transferring memories and experiences with my ex-husband and brother to a man completely different from them. If this resonates let me know in the comments.

My point is that when I admitted my deep feelings to myself and allowed myself to be honest about how much I loved this man, how much I respected him, and how he made me feel — our relationship improved significantly. We have more respect for one another. We intentionally protect the union we are creating. All this happened because I was honest on my side. He had his part, too, but I am sharing my side.

#2. I’m not defining myself.

I often feel exhausted and frustrated by the strict “business rules” imposed on us. Do you feel the same? Everywhere you turn, there are guidelines telling you what to do and what not to do. It seems impossible to please everyone. We know it is, but it’s easy to allude to this fact. When I accepted this fact, I gave myself permission to be myself and try creating content the way I want to create content that is authentic to me.

I realized that I needed to be true to myself, my craft and to my professional experience. I decided to be authentic and embrace who I am, owning my gifts and talents and the complexity of my being.

If others don’t like it, that’s okay. But I refuse to change myself to be more of what you or the BS business rules say. What I can do is to be myself, accept and love myself, and do my best to help those I can. That means being boldly me – guided by my beliefs and values.

#3. Those calories count

This one is my favorite. I am in wedding diet season. I am so excited about it. However, this is not the first or third time I have worked to change my eating style. I used to be a bodybuilder, and I used to have anorexia. I understand how to do this. However, in past years, I would try to get back into shape by counting macros, weighing my food, and committing to a meal plan. Every time, I would lie to myself. I would not add certain calories I was consuming, and then I would get mad that I wasn’t losing weight. I was in denial. Share in the comments if you have done this.

Or worse I would say I want a six pack and I want to get lean and defined and then I’d never do the work – take the steps- to achieve it. Instead, I would have wishful thinking, eating cake night after night. I was in this loop of wanting something but taking the opposite steps to get it. Then one day, I said, Liz, enough is enough. If you want to get your “dream body’, ” do the work. I started doing the work and taking the steps to maintaining consistency, and in 1.5 months, I lost 2 inches. I am continuing to get defined.

#4. There are no rules

Lastly, as a recovering perfectionist, I ascribed to these obscure rules that were put on me as a child. “Don’t do this. Do that. Oh, you can only do it this way.”  Then I realized. I don’t want to conform to the world’s way of doing things. In my opinion, it’s the wrong way to do things, and if it was right, we’d have happier people. I accepted the fact that I am not of this world but in this world, and therefore, I’ll do things differently, and that’s okay. I tell my clients struggling with perfectionism to let go of the rules they are agreeing with that are hindering them. It takes time to identify all of those rules. When you let go of these rules and challenge your beliefs, you allow yourself to authentically be who you are. Like think about it today: there are fewer and fewer “RULES” to running a business. The more innovative you are, the better you’ll become.

In closing, the key is to identify where are you lying to yourself? Where are you in denial?

Take some time to chew on this. Many of my clients lie to themselves, and when they realize where they are lying to themselves, change happens much quicker. The best part is that once they accept that they have been lying to themselves and change their mindset, they achieve the success they were after. Everything you want is within reach but you can’t lie to yourself.

Here’s your action plan:

• Where are you lying to yourself?
• What do you want but are unwilling or not doing the work?
• Where are you doing one thing while wanting a completely different result?
• Where do you need to acknowledge the reality of the situation and ultimately change your mindset?

Everything comes down to mindset – a truth world-class thinkers swear by.

Comment – MINDSET if you found this blog helpful or share your takeaways.